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June 12, 2003

That’s A More

I worked in the kitchen at Whole Foods for what seemed like a really long time. I liked my job cooking and, for the most part, I liked the people I worked with. I even maintain friendships with a handful of them. However, working there was a pretty wretched experience. It’s a very unorganized, terribly dehumanizing company to work for, and the owner/founder, John Mackey, an evil motherfucker if ever there was one, is super anti-union, stating once that “unions are like herpes.” He is a bad, bad man. It was a place run by Big Men Upstairs who would attend company getaways in Oaxaca, explaining to us that we’d have to get by with a few cutbacks on their way out the door. Inevitably, this meant less ingredients and less fresh things to cook with. I remember one instance while all the corporate bigwigs were in Mexico and the kitchen was out of… salt. Not asafetida or sumac or something that is hardly ever used and can be done without once in awhile. Salt. Oaxaca. Fuckers.

So, Whole Foods was owned by bad people, but the thing that really wore a worker down were the patrons. There were all types, but generally the worst were a subgroup we wage slaves in the kitchen termed “spelties.” They always insisted on having spelt tortillas and spelt bread, even though, when asked about it, not one of them was ever able to sufficiently explain why using spelt was more beneficial than using wheat or anything else. [Note for anyone who is interested: It is not necessarily a better grain, but it is a good source of protein, niacin, thiamin and iron, as well as fiber and B vitamins and is easily broken down by the body. Mainly it’s good for people with wheat allergies. But truly the most interesting thing about spelt is that the German word for it is “dinkle.”] Spelties differ from your average vegan in that they are even more high-maintenance, high-income assholes with subscriptions to Vegetarian Times who are more condescending than even John Mackey with his unions = herpes analogies. Bad, bad people.

I learned a lot working there about people’s relationships to food. Food is really personal, and oftentimes, political. I try to have a live and let-live attitude about food, but there was one thing I never could figure out for the life of me. Why the hell don’t certain vegans eat yeast? I still don’t know, though I suspect it has something baffling to do with the fact that it is “alive.” Anyway, I never cared until last night.

I don’t usually like vegan substitutes for foods I normally enjoy. While I appreciate their commitment and their ingenuity, I just can’t convince myself or my palate that substituting a ton of vegetable oil in the place of butter, eggs and milk is going to give you the same wonderful results. I’m sure people are going to be quick to point out here that there’s no substitute for brisket, either and who am I to talk?

Fortunately, I don’t like brisket.

But last night I was in trouble. I had planned all day to make a delicious pizza for dinner. I thought I had better get started on the dough, headed to the pantry and cussed and howled when I discovered that I didn’t have the packet of yeast in there that I had planned on. What to do? Then I remembered those freaky vegans who always asked if there was yeast in what they were about to eat. I checked out a couple of vegan websites and found a recipe for a yeast-free pizza crust. “Hmm,” I thought. “This looks like any old quick bread, utilizing baking powder. That should work.”

And that’s how I ended up making a pizza on a giant biscuit.

Posted by pogo at June 12, 2003 4:14 PM