remake/remodel

decision 2004

The candidates:

• Arnold Schwarzenegger, Major Dutch: Regrettably, Arnold, er, Dutch is out because he’s not a natural born citizen.
• Elpidia Carrillo, Anna: Anna’s a survivor. Still, her campaign is doomed by her general lack of funding, and many perceive her as an opportunist riding on Dutch’s coattails.
• Carl Weathers, Dillon: Outed by his own colleagues as a CIA operative, it’s doubtful that the American public would find much to like in Dillon, but he certainly wouldn’t be the first ex-CIA candidate, so who can say?
• Sonny Landham, Billy: Billy, the stoic native American warrior, is a symbol of collective guilt, not a viable political candidate.
• Jesse Ventura, Blain: This guy nobody would vote for.
• Shane Black, Hawkins: Hawkins’ penchant for boudoir humor would have sealed the man’s fate in 1984, but nowadays, it’s hard to say; nevertheless he simply doesn’t make much of an impression.
• Bill Duke, Sergeant Mac: Now, Mac I like, but my hunch is that he has niche appeal at best. What are his positions? Nobody knows; he barely talks.
• Richard Chaves, Poncho Ramirez: I almost forgot Poncho! So will you.
• Kevin Peter Hall, The Predator: Finally, the sallow, jaundiced skin, sunken eyes, and racially loaded dreadlocks might make the Predator a longshot, especially in flyover country, but it would be folly to write off this dreaded extraterrestial sportsman: he’s scrappy — ruthless, even — and he’s certainly not beholden to the Washington establishment. The Predator is demonstrably tough on defense, and in the past has reached out to the inner city. He will also skin the other candidates alive and wear their bloodied skulls as trophies.

My choice: The Predator