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remake/remodel

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June 19, 2003

knife goes in, guts come out

This is Jacob, posting to remake/remodel from the future — to be specific, Fall of the year 2003. Orrin Hatch has melted my hard drive in retaliation for downloading the entire Bauhaus discography, so I’m transmitting this message backwards in time using faster-than-the-speed-of-light tachyon particles, in the probably vain hope that someone will hear my message and take steps to alter the course of history.

[Mr. Sparkle!]In late 2003, Fox Television will air a new program called BANZAI!, a madcap variety show inspired by the most ridiculous excesses of Japanese television, hosted by someone who, if he isn’t Gedde Watanabe, might as well be. “Howdy, pardnah!” screams Gedde, brandishing a kitana. “Enjoy television show or die! Let’s do moonwalk, Michael Jackson Pepsi-Cola! BANZAI!!!”

In the future, no one ever shuts up about BANZAI!, never. In the future, the October weather is crisp and pleasant, I’m sitting on my front porch drinking a cool pint of Spaten Optimator, and I’m anxious to talk about the book I just read or pick Chris’s brain on linguistics or introduce everybody to my new robot slave, but all I hear is “BANZAI! BANZAI! BANZAI!!!” In the future, in a parallel universe where I was never averse to changing diapers, a husky, freckled 5-year old with a purple cell phone scrunches up his eyes and screams “BANZAI! BANZAI! BANZAI!!!” before he punches my only son in the stomach behind the primary school dumpster where the teachers never look. In the future, to my daily horror, memes collide and explode into unholy configurations as every office is filled with the sounds of grown men shrieking “BANZAI! BANZAI! BANZAI!!!” in an Eric Cartman voice. I never remove my headphones.

I’m not asking the world to stop watching this show. Even in the future, which is mostly like the present only without McDonald’s, I don’t hate television, and I don’t hate this show yet. My only wish is to think other thoughts and to hear other stories. Please, people of Summer 2003, hear these words. Help me.

posted at 1:47 PM | grrr

comments

  1. This is what you’ll be listening to from now on, sucker:

    http://www.hatchmusic.com/

    posted by orrin hatch on June 19, 2003 2:28 PM

  2. Hey! We saw that at The Alamo when we went to see Fong Sai Yuk. BANZAI! was pretty entertaining, but I don’t know how long it will be entertaining. We’ll see. None of this was written in an Eric Cartman voice and there will definitely be other stories this fall - most notably the revelation that the religious right is run by the devil.

    posted by seth on June 19, 2003 4:44 PM

  3. Who knows? I’m thinking that young America won’t be able to get enough. I’m imagining Long Duk Dong in blackface, chowing down on a big, juicy watermelon. The audience cheers and wonders, how does he do it with those big buck teeth? I’m imagining a hit.

    posted by jacob on June 19, 2003 5:14 PM

  4. Angry Asian Man talked about this in his blog a little bit ago (the may 21st post.) According to him, the test audience actually booed the screen.

    http://www.angryasianman.com/angry2003-05.html

    i think you might have to scroll down to find the exact post, but the gist of it is in these few paragraphs:

    “Sounds harmless right? Well … you must also endure a questionably “Asian accented” narrator (“Long Duck Dong” style) that was dubbed into the show by FOX!

    Other abominations are gags such as whether or not a “one-legged” man can kick a soccer ball pass a “one-armed” goalie. I can only imagine that this show would appeal only to groups of people who are not sharing in the social stigma afflicted upon those being exploited for their “freak show” value. It also tells them that it’s okay to laught “at” other groups.

    For the Asian-American community, BANZAI will likely affirm an offensive image of us as the “foreign 2nd class”. Face it, most Americans are not appreciative nor educated about Asian & Asian-American culture to any extensive level beyond the tourist zeal for Kung Fu and Sweet N’ Sour Pork. So a crappy show like this will only summarize a xenophobic image against people who are not “apple pie”.

    The audience at the preview screening openly shouted “BOO” at the show. I have to really wonder how an executive at FOX gets hired there. In light of acheivements within Asian-American media (BETTER LUCK TOMORROW), this is one of those annoying “2 steps forward - 1 step back” pains in the ass…”

    sorry for the extra long post, but it’s worth reading.

    posted by tam on June 19, 2003 6:05 PM

  5. i was going to say i was surprised and relieved, but… that test audience was composed mainly of Asian Americans. in the wider world we live in, racism is still very much a matter of black and white, and anything else might as well be invisible. that’s why an asshole like John McCain, for example, still has a job.

    posted by jacob on June 20, 2003 10:45 AM

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