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I spent Saturday at a ranch in B—, Texas, attending my cousin S—‘s wedding ceremony. I don’t know how you feel about marriage, but as far as I know, this one didn’t have anything to do with citizenship, a kingdom, or health insurance, so I can’t really claim that I’m any closer to understanding the compulsion to marry. I do know that I had to stand like a chump in a grassy B— ranch field, crudely knotted tie around my neck, sweat dripping down my brow, while the guy who used to pee in my bedroom closet when he was four years old stood in front of a priest and stared into some girl’s tanned face with, er, adoration while Billy Bob Thornton’s body double made tender, manual love to an upright piano and crooned what was presumably an Air Supply outtake called “You Are the Flesh of My Flesh.” I’m a double chump because next to me the whole time was my mom, fanning herself and rolling her eyes. My only coping strategy for these awkward familial rites is to stand stiff as a board and smile when faced or approached, so I hope that no one noticed me flinching when the word wedlock drifted out of the otherwise undifferentiated murmur of the priest’s homily and shocked me with its sinister odor of matrimonial fatality.
Happily, my heart was warmed and uplifted during the reception later by the constant and strangely comforting sight of chain-smoking septuagenarian Texas matriarchs, none of whom put their cigarettes down while embracing. Oh, and it was the happiest day of my cousin S—‘s life, after all, and this, too, touched me.
comments
i personally think marriage is a good thing, at least for me. i think you can make what you want out of it. i’m definitely pro-marriage but also can see why other people may not want to marry. so there.
posted by leah on May 20, 2003 12:41 PM
are you pro-divorce?
posted by jacob on May 20, 2003 2:28 PM
definitely.
posted by leah on May 20, 2003 2:53 PM
i don’t get “pro-marraige.” do you mean like performing a ceremony to symbolize a lifetime committment to another person, to be exclusive, share finances, to live together, have children?
i hear people say, “of course they’ll get married if they have children,” but i think that a lot of people are reinventing marraige to mean what they want it to mean. so, i want to understand what it means to be pro-marraige.
posted by sentry on May 20, 2003 5:31 PM
hmmm, i’m interested too. do tell.
posted by pogo on May 20, 2003 6:15 PM
yes, certainly, and i think a lot of people are reinventing “living in sin” to mean something like “a lifetime committment to another person, to be exclusive, share finances, to live together, [optionally] have children.” :)
what follows is an unfocused rant directed at nobody in particular.
i indicated that the act of marriage was important to my cousin. i take issue with the assumption that it must be important to everybody. i have no need for this particular ceremony/institution. people have told me before that i must be breaking my girlfriend’s heart since i don’t plan to marry. that sort of patronizing attitude never occurred to me because i’m dating a thinking woman, not a barbie doll. our relationship is an ongoing expression of our love, commitment, and mutual support, and for me, that’s sufficient. i’m not necessarily hostile to the idea of marriage in a general, non-specific sense, though i may express myself that way at times because the external marriage pressure gets to be annoying at times (i’m also feeling a lot of pressure to buy a house in suburbia despite my clear lack of desire and my clear lack of funds… ugh!).
if somebody else believes that marriage is a priority — whatever they might mean exactly by ‘marriage,’ but hopefully as a result of serious introspection — they have my blessings. everybody has their reasons.
posted by jacob on May 20, 2003 6:49 PM
come on, jacob… marry me!
posted by chris on May 20, 2003 10:44 PM
chris, you know i can’t. but… i’m keeping the baby.
posted by jacob on May 20, 2003 11:28 PM
well, from my conversations with jacob, i would say that he is quite anti-marriage, so in contrast i am pro-marriage. i am for it. i think it’s fine and good and people make what they will about it. it doesn’t mean that all marriages (or most) are good ones but that doesn’t mean that i don’t think they should occur. that’s what i mean.
posted by leah on May 21, 2003 8:17 AM
it was a basic black and white statement — anti and pro … and for myself, marriage has nothing to do with suburbia … it has more to do with having a loving, supportive partner and best friend whom i can share a family, fantastic trips, someone who challenges me and makes me a better person … all of that. i realize that you can do this outside of marriage, easily but i want the whole symbolic gesture. just a personal choice and preference.
posted by leah on May 21, 2003 8:25 AM
I have a love-hate relationship with marriage.
On the one hand, it definitely creates unneccessary pressure on many couples to commit ASAP and conform to social norms that don’t necessarily further their happiness. Historically it also has some offensive connections with the treatment of women as property. And there’s always the excessive flaunting of wealth to contend with at weddings…
At the same time, it could be argued in the U.S. that marriage sometimes empowers women. At least it provides legal protection from polygamy. Marriage also extends priveleges - like partner benefits and joint property ownership - that unmarried women don’t enjoy. If you had kids, that could be a pretty big deal. And I do like the symbolism to a degree.
I’m with Leah on this one - as long as both partners are happy (and equally protected) in the arrangement, it doesn’t really matter. I personally kind of like the idea of having a big party some day but I resent the pressure from relatives just as much as Jacob.
posted by sarah on May 21, 2003 10:46 AM
i have no idea why, but not one of my relatives has ever pressured more even asked me if i was going to get married soon. strange.
posted by leah on May 21, 2003 12:52 PM
well, it’s very odd. i graduate from college, and at the very least i perceive more marriage pressure. it’s like there’s a preset package of cultural programs to go a certain route. there are so many social rewards and cues to get married, and spoken and unspoken gestures and suggestions are a part of that.
that’s just annoying, i suppose.
i don’t see how protection from polygamy, partner benefits and joint property empowers women.
posted by sentry on May 21, 2003 7:16 PM
the older i get, the more often i find myself repeating myself, saying these are my thoughts on marriage and child rearing and how they apply to me in my life. a lot. it’s kind of a backhanded thing, but it sure does put it in your brain, make you feel a little defensive when you’re called on to, well, defend yourself all of the time. if i had my druthers, i’d interrogate everyone i knew who got married or made babies with what appeared to be no forethought or any good reason, but that’s just plain bad manners and anyway, it’s none of my damn business. which is the approach i wish others would take with me, but family doesn’t really work that way. as it turns out, neither do some friendships.
perhaps you don’t get pressured about it as much as others here because you and your family are not from the south. i think a lot of times, being in bible belt-y places, so much emphasis is placed on “traditional family values” that these ideas are apt to be more of an unquestioned norm, even among folks who tend to question things, and so when you don’t act in accordance, it’s more noticeable and prone to criticism. of course, every family is different and that might not have one blessed thing to do with it, too.
posted by tam on May 22, 2003 10:24 AM
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