remake/remodel

faces of death

1. Lately I’ve been finding ladybug corpses strewn on the ground before me. In the front bedroom, by the green armchair. In a hallway leading to my cube, opposite a freshly painted wall. At the bookstore, in Classics, under Flannery O’Connor, where they did not have a copy of Wise Blood.
   
   
2. When I was a sophomore or junior in college, I dreamt about French 506. In the dream, I had died, but I was permitted to wander the campus as a spirit so that I could view the world without Jacob. I floated up the stairs of Mezes hall and into a classroom, where my French class was just filing in.
   
   “Jacob’s dead!” said a random girl.
   
   Various students murmured and inquired. The instructor clucked her tongue disapprovingly, and spoke slowly:
   
   “Jacob est mort.”
   
   The instructor frowned.
   
   “Répétez: Jacob est mort.”
   
   “Jacob est mort,” droned the class.
   
   
3. When I was much younger, I was convinced that I would be dead by the age of 25. This belief owed more to a lack of imagination on my part than any precognitive ability — what would I possibly do with myself once I was out of college? Would I be good for anything? Probably not. But age 25 arrived, and I remain. I gained a few pounds. Hangovers occur with more frequency. I think maybe my pee smells different.
   
   I’m convinced now that I’ll die behind the wheel of a car. I have no luck with them. Granted, thus far, Death has been content to toy with me, tossing various cars, trucks, and debris at, against, and before my cars, scraping them, whacking them, and rearending them, but leaving me perfectly unscathed. But I know. My new car is undeservedly wonderful, therefore it is cursed. I don’t know what Dual Overhead Cam means, but it has a diabolic ring to it, like the secret name of a devil. It wants to kill me, or at the very least, further damage my credit. None of this is very convincing, I admit.
   
   I received an electronic greeting card from my car dealer the other day. It read, “Abe, congratulations on your new vehicle. We appreciate your business. Let us know if you need anything.”